Monday, March 7, 2011

On the Other Side of the Wish

So...I'm pregnant. Accidentally actually, but still, it happened and this time it took. And here is what happens in movies when people get pregnant:
-tears of happiness
-go out and buy things that are small sized
-go out and buy pants from the ever expanding midsection
-eat. and then eat again.
-have your husband drive to the Dairy Queen to pick up a sweet treat
-talk to your mom on the phone daily about your symptoms, cravings, aversions
-smile a lot and showcase that unmatched pregnancy glow


Now, here's what's happening on my end of the wish
-Cry some more
-Burrow into your life so that you don't need to talk about it
-Turn off your cell phone for 2 weeks...again with the avoidance
-Try to explain to your Dr. that you can't possibly be due three weeks before your sister's wedding
-Try to get your sister to stop hating your guts
-Ask Dr. for pills
-Stash small sized items procured through gift giving into a tiny cabinet where light does not enter
-throw up. in classroom, outside of classroom, around the corner for decide.
-Lose weight.
-Turn down Greek food. Turn down all food.
-Shame, Blame, Untamed
-Remember to brush your hair after husband tells you that three weeks is long enough
-Cry. cry. cry.

I'm learning that there is a stigma to prenatal depression. I suppose it's those bitches in the movies that are doing all of the glowing and smiling. I wanted this, after all. But now, it seems like a bit too much to handle. So, in usual fashion, I've disappeared. But I promise I'll be back soon...once I figure out why I'm so damn depressed.

Ugh. I'll never wish for anything that hard again.