Monday, March 7, 2011

On the Other Side of the Wish

So...I'm pregnant. Accidentally actually, but still, it happened and this time it took. And here is what happens in movies when people get pregnant:
-tears of happiness
-go out and buy things that are small sized
-go out and buy pants from the ever expanding midsection
-eat. and then eat again.
-have your husband drive to the Dairy Queen to pick up a sweet treat
-talk to your mom on the phone daily about your symptoms, cravings, aversions
-smile a lot and showcase that unmatched pregnancy glow


Now, here's what's happening on my end of the wish
-Cry some more
-Burrow into your life so that you don't need to talk about it
-Turn off your cell phone for 2 weeks...again with the avoidance
-Try to explain to your Dr. that you can't possibly be due three weeks before your sister's wedding
-Try to get your sister to stop hating your guts
-Ask Dr. for pills
-Stash small sized items procured through gift giving into a tiny cabinet where light does not enter
-throw up. in classroom, outside of classroom, around the corner for decide.
-Lose weight.
-Turn down Greek food. Turn down all food.
-Shame, Blame, Untamed
-Remember to brush your hair after husband tells you that three weeks is long enough
-Cry. cry. cry.

I'm learning that there is a stigma to prenatal depression. I suppose it's those bitches in the movies that are doing all of the glowing and smiling. I wanted this, after all. But now, it seems like a bit too much to handle. So, in usual fashion, I've disappeared. But I promise I'll be back soon...once I figure out why I'm so damn depressed.

Ugh. I'll never wish for anything that hard again.


Brooke said...

Well I am so pleased to hear your news. I never let myself believe it wouldn't happen for you.

I'm sorry you're having a shit time. Again, I refuse to let myself believe that it won't get better.

Big, BIG bummer about your due date. Me and my babe be here to babysit, if need be.

; )

Brooke said...

*will be here to babysit. ha. "we be here, yo"

nicole s. said...

will be here waiting when you're ready to rejoin the world <3 start buying boxes and boxes of peppermint tea.

Miss Todd said...

Thanks guys. Sounds like I'm being ridiculous and so not grateful, but I am. It's complicated. I guess I had just coped with the 4% chance I had and I got used to it. I hate change. I'll be really good at this. That's what I keep telling myself. I think I might just be really scared and that's making me deny that all of this is even happening. I don't want to get let down if something goes wrong this time. I need Brooke Shields to talk about this part of pregnancy. Or anyone really. Brooke, thanks for the offer yo.

nicole s. said...

i don't think it's out there at all and if fact you even mention the exact things that keep other people from talking about it.

when it happens, especially after complications, you know it should be the Best Thing Ever That You Are Most Grateful For of All Time. but it's huge and terrifying and if you can't face it at your absolute best, then it's all the more so.

but you're not alone! i know there must be women out there who went through it and when the time comes where you find the words for it, i'm sure telling the story will lead you to people who have been there and back again.